A story about pressing the pause button and appreciating the life in front of you.
When we’re little, we go to school to learn and to grow. From the ages of 3 to 23 we’re learning. Up to this point, our life is constantly measured through merits like grades and moving higher in ranks. We’re taught that success is defined by being better, having a higher ranking, or a higher grade in school. By studying and learning more, we’ll be more knowledgable; we will be better than we were before.
I’ve felt like an imposter my whole life. In school, I was always an average student. I was told “I could do better” as if I wasn’t trying hard enough. My first semester in college, I got a below-average GPA, feeling completely shameful instead of acknowledging the shift from the British to the American curriculum. When I found my passion for design, I was in my third year of college, I felt like I was behind for not having the resources to learn Adobe Creative Suite in Sri Lanka, so I was hard on myself, and took on more than I could emotionally handle.
Why are we always measuring ourselves by metrics; the grades we get in school, our title, or the company that we work for? More importantly, why are we respected more for getting higher grades, or our title, or working for the world’s best companies?
A Trip Down Memory Lane
Four months ago, I graduated from Northeastern University. I spent half a decade experiencing life away from my home, halfway across the world from Sri Lanka. For the first time, I was exposed to western culture. I met incredible people from different backgrounds, studied abroad in Australia, and worked at two global companies — Reebok and (RED). The experiences that I’ve had in the past 5 years have truly shaped me into the person I am today.
However, my last two years at Northeastern were spent preparing myself for “what’s next”. In a hyper-competitive economy where everyone is highly educated, graduating with 2–3 years of work experience and an industry where visual imposters are at its highest, the fear of not being good enough pushed me beyond my limits.
Comparing yourself is the root cause of imposter syndrome.
It’s no doubt that I always compared myself to others, we all do, it’s natural human behavior. However, these comparisons channeled my inner imposter, creating intense pressure to be better than I was. The feeling of not being good enough took over every emotion, and I found myself going at 1,000 miles per hour. I was afraid of failing, afraid of not finding a good job after graduation, and afraid of not being “successful”.
When I did eventually graduate, I was so focused on finding the perfect job that I actually did not take the time to process the incredible achievement of earning a bachelor’s degree. All I could think about was “Whats next?”
The dream was to move to the Bay Area, get a fulfilling job that pays well, at a company that is mission-driven. I wanted it all. But if there’s one thing that life teaches us; is that things don’t always go the way we plan.
Truth is, I got rejected from that job, but received a really great offer elsewhere. However, I find myself in a rut because I’m constantly thinking “What’s next?” Where will this job lead me to? What else do I need to be better?
As a designer, imposter syndrome looks you right in the eye. Even with a great job, I felt I should be doing more, designing more, improving my design skills, being smarter than I am, being more talented than I am. Always focusing on how to be better, than the good qualities I have now. Always focusing on what’s next, rather than what’s now.
